Understanding relationships

It is worth noting that there are two distinct stages of break up. We shall call these recent and long term.

• Recent – This is when the breakup is still recent and fresh. The person is still dealing with the shock of it. At this stage they are often full of unresolved questions and may even be conflicted about whether the relationship has really ended.
• Long-term – This is when the relationship has been over for a while and the person finds that they are still unable to move on from it. There will tend to be less confusion and doubt as to what the problem is here. For example, it is likely to be apparent that the relationship is genuinely over. Equally, it is likely that there will be only one or two unresolved questions about the relationship.
• Healthy resolution – This is when a person has come to terms with the breakup. They are probably able to see the problems with the relationship and can take balanced learnings from this. This is the point at which they will be able to comfortably consider a new relationship.

Although they are defined by time, there is no specific point at which a person moves from one to another. A person may move to the long-term stage quite rapidly or be stuck in the recent stage for months. Equally, the long-term stage can be very short lived as a person moves rapidly to healthy resolution.

How can hypnotherapy help with a relationship breakup?

The hypnotherapist is likely to take several different approaches to dealing with a relationship breakup. The choice of approach will vary with the individual needs of the person. The goal of therapy is to help move the person closer to healthy resolution. Techniques employed may include

• Counselling and listening – Especially in the early stage of a breakup there may be considerable value in saying aloud what you are thinking. Saying things to another person helps to externalise the thoughts. Externalising thoughts separates them from the emotional context in which they are being had. This allows many of them to be processed in the mind.
• EMDR – This is used when there are traumatic elements to a relationship breakup. A common example of which could be the discovery of infidelity. However, there are far more causes of trauma than infidelity alone and these will be investigated and work on where appropriate. Equally, EMDR can be used to help process the strong feelings which a breakup produces and work through triggers for rumination upon it.
• Systematic desensitisation – In breakups there are usually numerous triggers for rumination upon the relationship. These can be things like places you used to hang out together, music you both listened to, other media you consumed, events you went to and so on. Desensitisation can be used to work through these triggers to reduce their impact.
• Psychodynamic work – Various approaches like regression to childhood, inner child work and parts therapy can be used to help address underlying trends
• Mental organisation and clear out exercises – There work to help provide the foundations of reprocessing which the mind needs to move on from a relationship.
• Acceptance and commitment therapy – Techniques from this school of therapy help provide the framework to establish healthier future relationships.

The next step in get hypnotherapy for my breakup

If you would like to know more please contact Dr Matt Krouwel to discuss or arrange a free consultation. Dr Matt is a long standing member of both the BSCH and the NCH. 

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Key concepts in Mindfulness

Awareness

Mindfulness means being present in your physical self. This is a counter to the  tendency to project into other places or positions, such as imagining conversations or wishing yourself to be somewhere nicer.

The now

We move our self fully into the current moment. This counters the tendency to mentally moving around in time, to be predicting futures and ruminating upon the past when the current moment is the only one which truly exists.

Non-labeling

Mindfulness encourages a non-judgmental attitude to experience, where we don’t define or label it but instead experience it as what it is. Experiences are neither innately good or bad, but instead they are simply what they are.

Accepting experience

Within mindfulness we seek to accept all experience for what it is, even when that is uncomfortable.

What are the Benefits?

Studies have shown that mindfulness has a significant effect at reducing emotional reactivity, a core characteristic common to numerous issues such as anxiety, OCD, anger and PTSD, to name but a few (1).  This effect appears to be stronger when mindfulness is taught by a facilitator rather than through other means (apps, recording etc) (1) and some evidence exists that it is more effective when integrated into a wider psychotherapy intervention(2). But how does it create these benefits?

How does mindfulness create these benefits?

Non- creation of anxiety and dissatisfaction

The movement of the awareness to the presence moment and situation, and thus away from the past/future or alternate place/situation, has an interesting effect upon the creation of anxiety and dissatisfaction. Anxiety is fundamentally about what may happen in the future, which is different from what actually happens in the future. We have developed the capacity to anticipate the future in order to plan and strategies, which are useful, however we often drift into a state in which this way of thinking becomes habitual and as a result are predicting futures that are worse than what actually happens. Every predicted negative future creates anxiety. By shifting more frequently and for longer into the present moment we avoid over predicting and thus reduce our overall anxiety.

In much the same way, the imagining of better places or futures, another capacity developed to help create better futures, may result in our current situation looking worse by comparison. This is especially true if the imagined future/ other place is perceived a too far from our current situation to be easily reached.

Cognitive shift – Survival of the moment

By moving into the present time we reduce the risk of what psychologists call catastrophising. Catastrophising is when our minds worsen the outcome of something, typical examples would be ‘This is never going to stop’, ‘This is the worst thing ever’ or ‘I can’t stand this’ . When taken on a moment by moment basis everything other than death can be coped with

Regulation of the nervous system

Many of the exercises involved in mindfulness help to re-regulate the nervous system. Mindfulness is heavily associated with exercises which could be associated with grounding and mediation, these provide opportunities for the nervous system to calm and as a result for the body to enter a relaxed state more frequently.

Mindfulness enhancing exercises

In order to learn to be in a more in-the-moment state of mind there are a number of common exercises which can be conducted

Mindful breathing

You focus upon a point in the breath (typically the nose or chest) where the movement created by breath can be observed. You do not seek to alter or control the breath in any way and in fact are explicitly accepting the breath how it is, be that fast or slow. When the attention wanders from the breath, you bring it back to the breath, without any criticism of the self for having allowed the mind to wander. This exercise moves the attention into the present (the current breath) and encourages and rehearsing of staying in the moment and returning to the moment.

Mindful listening

We hear with the brain as much as the ear, the brain offering simplification and interpretation of whatever sounds come it’s way.  In this exercise you attempt to hear with the ear. To do this you focus on the sound of the world as your ear experiences it, trying to avoid allowing the mind to shape the sounds into specifics, but rather paying attention to what information reaches the ear.

Mindful eating

An exercise in which you slow down eating to fully experience, but without labeling anything, a piece of food or meal. This involves sitting with the food in front of you, looking at it, experiencing its smell, without judging or assessing these, progressing to tasting it and experiencing full all the elements of texture, temperature, flavor, again without judging them. Ultimately progressing through the entire meal at a pace which allows for a deep experience of the meal, whilst always learning to avoid labeling and assessing the meal.

Body scan

A body scan is an exercise in which you attempt to fully experience the body by applying full attention to one area at a time to be aware of textures, temperatures and pressures. Usually this is done by starting at the toes and moving up the body, but it could be started anywhere.

Mindfulness and hypnotherapy

When a hypnotherapist uses a mindful approach with their client they will often use the hypnosis in support of the learning and application of the mindful techniques and philosophies.  To give an example they may deliver some of the common visualizations used in mindfulness in a light hypnotic state with the aim of deepening the involvement with the visualization and thus  speeding the learning from it. Equally, it is common these days for a hypnotherapist to use some of the mindful exercises, in particular the mindful breathing and body scan, as a gentle introduction into the hypnotic space. Mindfulness is also an integral part of wider therapy approaches, such as acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).

References

1. Raugh IM, Berglund AM, Strauss GP. Implementation of mindfulness-based emotion regulation strategies: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Affective Science. 2025;6(1):171-200.
2. Buerkle JJ, Schmidt S, Fendel JC. Mindfulness-and acceptance-based programmes for obsessive-compulsive disorder: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Anxiety Disorders. 2025:102977.

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• Helping you to identify your fundamental values.
• Develop the skills and mental tools to cope and thrive with your life challenge.

ACT can be broken down into several key elements;

Value driven living.

In ACT a value is a direction to move your life in. This could be summarized as something like ‘health’, or ‘family’. The client is then encouraged to identify whatever steps they can taken, from where they are currently in life, to improve their engagement with this value. This means that the value of ‘health’ does not mean being a certain weight, or eating 5 portions of fruit and veg, these are goals and are different. For example, the value of ‘health’ means doing more healthy things than you currently do, so if you currently average 1 portion of fruit and veg a day, how can you increase this to more than 1 portion a day?

The key with values is improvement, not specific attainment. By being aware of your life values you can start making daily decisions based on them, leading to a more meaningful life.

Acceptance of experience.

This can also be characterized as openness to experience or willingness to experience. This includes both negative and positive experience.  Acceptance is there to counter the tendency to avoid difficult experience. Avoiding difficult experience often results in us being stuck in patterns of behavior. Choosing to experience the difficulty to get through to a better place is important to help us through to freedom. To give an example, for the addicted this can mean allowing themselves to experience the sensation of craving whilst not acting upon it.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a meditative practice which encourages contact with the the present moment, within ACT this has a twofold use;

1. Encouraging contact with the present. It is thought that a preoccupation with the past or future locks us into pathways of behavior. To counter this ACT encourages spending more time actively in the present moment and with your experience. This enables you to be aware of that experience, without judging it, defining or categorizing it. Within ACT it is argued that all experience can be coped with on a moment by moment basis.
2. De-fusion and observer self. Within ACT it is argued that we tend to believe we are our thoughts and feelings. The practice of mindfulness allows us to adopt an ‘observer’ position. From the observer position we can perceive the information from our thoughts, feelings and body as information not as who we are, this is called de-fusion.

What does Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) help with?

ACT has demonstrable effectiveness with; depression, anxiety, substance abuse(1), social anxiety(2) and has been seen to benefit those with serious physical issues in their psychological reaction to those issues(3). All of which has led some to suggestion that it could be an alternative to the ubiquitous cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in mainstream mental health services(4). As an alternative to CBT it has a lot to recommend it as the exercises within it feel quite different to CBT and thus it offers a different approach for those who don’t fit the CBT mold.

As a practitioner of ACT I have used it in different ways. Sometimes I use it in full, sometimes using elements of it within a wider intervention. It has proven useful with; coaching clients, supporting the neurodivergent with coping with life challenges, with substance abuse clients (mostly alcohol and cocaine users), pornography addictions, survivors of life changing accidents and people with chronic pain.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and hypnosis

Many hypnotherapists have found that ACT fits well into hypnotherapy. Some of the mindful exercises make excellent hypnotic inductions. In addition, ACT contains within it a number of visual metaphors designed to illustrate points. These metaphors can be delivered as immersive visualizations in hypnosis to deepen the learning. Further, as the mind appears to be more open to learning in hypnosis all the ways of thinking introduced as part of an ACT intervention appear to be more deeply engaged with.

If you are considering Acceptance and commitment therapy or hypnotherapy for issues such as;

• Pornography addiction.
• Sex addiction.
• Substance abuse.
• Anxiety.
• depression.
• Living with chronic conditions.

You may wish to contact Dr Matt, an experienced hypnotherapist and Diplomat member of the BSCH to arrange a free consultation.

References

1. Gloster AT, Walder N, Levin ME, Twohig MP, Karekla M. The empirical status of acceptance and commitment therapy: A review of meta-analyses. Journal of contextual behavioral science. 2020;18:181-92.
2. Mattikoppa NV, Harshitha G, Yahiya GKM, Paluru MS. Efficacy of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in Social Anxiety Disorder: A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis. Journal of Psychiatry Spectrum. 2025;4(1):111-20.
3. Fattahi A, Mazini F, Jaberghaderi N, Rajabi F, Derakhshani M, Laki M. Effectiveness of acceptance and commitment therapy for distress, emotion regulation, and self-compassion in patients with cardiovascular disease: a randomized clinical trial. Trends in Psychiatry and Psychotherapy. 2025;47:e20230685.
4. López-Pinar C, Lara-Merín L, Macías J. Process of change and efficacy of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) for anxiety and depression symptoms in adolescents: A meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. Journal of Affective Disorders. 2025;368:633-44.

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