Jealousy is the feeling that something you have is going to be taken away from you by someone else. Most commonly we experience this in relationships where another person appears to be attracting the attention of a friend or partner. Equally, we can have jealousy for things such as career opportunities when someone else is threatening to get a promotion we feel belongs to us. Like all of our emotions there are healthy and unhealthy expressions of it;
Healthy jealousy
A small amount of Jealousy can be healthy as it motivates action to protect what we feel is ours. In a relationship, healthy jealousy may mean that we look to create moments of bonding. At work, it may mean we put a bit more effort in to guarantee we get that promotion.
Unhealthy jealousy
A strong sense of jealousy can result in behaviours that are counterproductive. People with strong relationship jealousy will often adopt controlling and demanding behaviours of their partner. These behaviours can take the form of;
- Demanding frequent ‘Check-ins’ when their partner is out.
- Monitoring their partners communications for incriminating evidence.
- Making threats, which can be anything from, “cheat on me and I’ll leave you” to “cheat on me and I’ll kill you” .
- Using pressuring language like “if you loved me…”.
In work situations this may result in behaviours such as;
- Sabotaging competitors at work.
- Bad mouthing colleagues or friends new friends.
All of which is bad for the partner but may also be bad for the jealous individual.
The consequences
One of the most common outcomes of unhealthy jealous behaviours is to create the outcome they were attempting to avoid. In relationships this can result in;
- Partners feeling controlled.
- Partners feeling untrusted.
- Stress for the jealous partner.
At work;
- Being found out sabotaging colleagues.
- Colleagues getting a sense of them as an untrustworthy gossip and thus not becoming close with them.
These can then translate into behaviours which fuel the jealous partners insecurity as the non-jealous partner starts reacting to the pressure upon them. For example;
- A controlled partner may start finding ways to avoid and resist the control. Eventually the jealous partner will become aware of this and assume the partner is cheating on them and escalate things.
- The controlled partner may try to placate the jealous person. The jealous person will eventually notice that they are being placated, feel that this is fake behaviour and assume the person is hiding infidelity.
- The jealous persons own stress will tire them out making them more likely to fall prey to their own emotional tendencies.
All of these patterns, and there are many more, set up a cycle of perpetual escalation in the person who has unhealthy jealousy which can result in;
- A ruined relationship.
- Partner abuse.
- The physical symptoms of stress; hypertension, cognitive impairment, burnout, and many more.
Why do people develop unhealthy jealousy?
There are two primary reasons for a person developing unhealthy relationship jealousy;
- An experience of being betrayed by a friend or cheated on by a partner.
- Feeling unworthy in some respect of the partner or friend they have
Often both of these will be present.Career and work jealousy often follows similar developmental tendencies with past experiences of being overlooked and insecurity over their ability to get the role often present.
What can be done ?
As a therapist I see many people who are aware of their jealous tendencies and wish to address them. We work through their past relationship traumas, often with the aid of EMDR, and through the use of techniques like parts therapy, visualisations, hypnotic CBT and traditional hypnotic suggestions we look to give them an enhanced sense of personal safety.
The author
Dr Matt Krouwel PhD is a hypnotherapist based in Birmingham (UK) with over 25 years experience working with emotional, relationship and physical issues. he is a member of the BSCH and NCH