Most therapists use some form of metaphor for bereavement, this is one of mine. Bereavement is a common experience, the most obvious form is the lose of a loved one. There are less obvious forms of loss such as, for a:
- Beloved pet.
- Life role.
- Relationship when it breaks up.
Any of these can affect a person deeply and profoundly. This may happen immediately following the loss or months or even years later.
All therapists encounter bereavement issues from time to time. It can be hard to distinguish between what might be termed, a ‘healthy’ or ‘appropriate’ bereavement’, and somebody who has become ‘stuck’ in their bereavement.
The metaphor explored in this blog is just one of many approaches which can be used with someone who is experiencing grief. It is intended to give a structure which both explains:
- The totality of grief.
- That there is a process to coming to a new way of being.
In doing this it counters the tendency to hopelessness which often accompanies a bereavement.
The collapsed temple metaphor for bereavement
The brief version of the metaphor is:
- Your life is a temple.
- A piece vanishes.
- The temple collapses.
- You cannot rebuild it as it was.
- You will build something new which is equally valid as the old temple, but different.
The collapsed temple metaphor for bereavement – long form example
“Your life is like a Greek temple, beautiful marble columns supporting a roof. It is grand, it is beautiful … and then one day … one of those supporting pillars isn’t there anymore … and the whole thing collapses in on itself … and when the dust settles …all you’re left with is a pile of debris …”
“This is tragic and overwhelming, and most people’s first response is to sit there staring at the rubble of their life … this is normal … this is natural… “
“After a while many people try to rebuild that temple … and they find they can’t … some get stuck constantly trying to get the pieces to fit together … but they never do fit … because one of the most important pillars has gone … Others never attempt it … they see that rebuilding is hopeless … and so they never try … they sit and stare at the debris of what was … knowing that it will never return…”
“And it won’t ever return … “
“and something else might come … all the pieces that are still there are still there … they still exist … other pieces will be carved over time … we may not know what those pieces will be … but they will be … and eventually … with time … with living … with doing what we can with what we’ve got … we build something new … we don’t know what it is right now … and sooner or later … it will be built.”
When and how to use the temple metaphor
This is a metaphor to help explain to someone why bereavement, of all kinds, is so overwhelming. The metaphor can be personalised, extended or focused in different ways to fit the person in front of you. For example:
- You may emphasis being stuck in a loop of trying to rebuild the temple if the person appears to be trying to force their way out of grief through denial.
- If the bereavement is for a loved one you may emphasis that the future temple is different, to acknowledge the importance of the lost loved one.
- If you are already aware of them you could move the metaphor into reality by naming some of the pieces that are still intact, “You may not have a temple anymore but some of the pieces it was built from are still in good condition, in much the way you still have good friends, your work and your reading group.”
- It doesn’t have to be a temple, if there is something which fits the persons knowledge of the world better use that. This could be a building, a home, a church, something built in Minecraft or of Lego.
- An appropriately trained therapist can deliver this as a visualisation. The end point of which could be tidying up the pieces on the ground into a neat pile and clearing a space to build on when they are ready.
This is but one metaphor which can be used to help people in bereavement make their way out of that. Remember that bereavement is a personal process with different steps and snag points. It cannot be forces, but it can be given a helping hand.
